So I have to commend teton gravity research for this, however their list is too ski oriented. So I decided to give it the mountaineering twist.
#1 The Non Outdoor Type
They turned up to one summer and the weather was good the week they arrived. When the bus came to take them home they sacked it off to work as something totally unrelated to the outdoors. They insist that one day they will climb ‘the mountain’ but you know they get vertigo standing on a chair. Since it started to rain and the view disappeared eight months ago they are really beginning to question their life choices and have since started to work on becoming the Alcoholic.
#2 The Alcoholic
Most notable because they have lost their driving licence on one or more occasions. If they haven’t and you see them driving it they are invariably still drunk at the wheel and about to lose it again. It is not that they drink a lot , but it’s the time they dedicate to the pastime that is eye opening. These are not the woo people (see below), but those whose consumption of drink has them one step away from liver failure.
3# The Wooo People
These are the 24 hour party people of their generation. Often seen in teams of 4 or more necking shots and screaming wooo at every available opportunity. Out on the crags they use americanisms with a worrying regularity, like crush and smash (see this post on climberism).
4# The Trustifarian
Such a good americanism used to describe those who cash their cheques at the bank of mum and dad. Despite just graduating university they drive the best car in the village. On the hill they are something of a ‘all the gear and no idea’ and are often overheard hoorahing their friends over glasses of wine.
5# The Pro
These are the sponsored heroes although calling them ‘pros’ is something of an oxymoron. As whilst they do sell their bodies, they rarely do it for money. Instead most pro’s are rewarded with free equipment for which they risk life and limb to get. They eke out a living doing anything from working in cafes, shops, climbing walls or outdoor centre in order to try and fund their endless summer or if they are really perverted winters.
6# The local
They turned up last year, and never left. They proclaim to know everyone and will bull on in the pub or social media of where is in condition and what routes are in nick. This will generally be repeating what they read on others blogs, Facebook status’ or overheard a pro saying in the car park. They saw themselves as becoming a ‘BIG DEAL!’, only to realise they had neither the ability nor personality to succeed.
7# The Real Local
Often the love child of a pro and another real local. They were delivered on the matting of the local bouldering wall, where they instantly sent their first V6. They have known every body in the village longer than you have lived. They know what is in condition just by sniffing the air, they know the easiest approaches and have climbed every route on your wish list at least twice. They will never be seen with a map or a guidebook as the terrain is hard wired into their DNA.
#8 The Shitter
This person is something of a mytha-maniac, they don’t seem to do it deliberately but the truth is something they were never destined to say. At first you will think they are just trying to impress, however you’ll soon wonder if they are alright in the head as their lies come back to haunt them. Anything they climb will never be film, photographed and usually done solo. If a belayer was there, you will have never seen or heard of them. Occasionally they graduate to become a ‘pro shitter’.
#9 The Two Shits
If you’ve had a shit they’ve had two! Whatever you do this person will never be impressed by anything you do, they will alway have climbed harder and in a better style than you. Get them on the crags and they can’t climb for love nor money, and will just say they are having a ‘bad day’. Not to be confused with the shitter, as the two shits lies are about oneupmanship.
#10 The Peter Pan
Most of the men in the village and there are a lot will have this syndrome to a greater or lesser extent. There is usually one that keeps the act up too long. They are best identified by their use of male hair dying products and are extreme vague about their actual age. Some claim to have seen their passport but even their ex’s have no idea how old they actually are. The real locals have known them since birth but no one actually knows how long they have been in the village. They could be 35 but it is more likely they are well into their 50’s.
#11 The Hottest Girl in the Village
There is usually only one and they are hot. Although by national standards they may only be of average looks, but the gene pool is so small that they look like a model in comparison. The role is only fulfilled for a few years where upon they are ousted by a new fittest girl in the village. It seems this handing over of power is often associated with excessive weight gain as they morph into their mother who serves in the local shop, pub or cafe.
#12 The Stud
The veritable ‘cock of the valley’, with gritty good looks, perfect skin and body that looks like Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. Every girl goes giddy at the knees just looking at him. You tell yourself you would have gotten a girlfriend by now to make a ‘real local’ if it wasn’t for the stud and the 5 to 1 ratio at every sausage fest of a party you have ever been to.
#14 The Girl who burns you off
Try as hard as you want there is not only someone who climbs harder than you, but yes that person is also a girl. They have smaller arms, train less and still take you to the cleaners. They were climbing before you even knew it was a pastime, she has dated more hard climbers than you can name and nearly all have failed to keep up with her. So don’t kid yourself that you’ll be any different!
#15 The Guide
Often seen lording it around the crags thinking they are ‘the stud’, usually quite literally dragging unsuspecting clients around like Moe Farrar taking his dog for a run. They have a whole host of badges just like the scouts and this usually gives them a licence to thrill or kill or both. Down the pub they discuss the pros and cons of knots and gear, which is the mountain village equivalent to train spotting. They often think they are good climbers but most struggle up VS.
#16 The Psycho
If we were all well rounded human beings then none of us would climb. Hidden amongst all the above is the closet psycho. They aren’t going to kill anybody, other than probably themselves as their risk aversion is low. They can even be Pro Psycho!
So which one are you and can you think of anymore? If so make a comment and I’ll add them.